... to my Den.

This is bold.
This is italics.
This is bold italics.

Voila!

Hello

World.

If my life was made into a movie, this is would be its soundtrack.
12 tracks. Here we go:

1. Creep by Radiohead (Pablo Honey)
There was this nerd, who tried so hard to be in the 'in' crowd; decided he really liked this girl and tried, in his own strange way, to court her, only to be rejected in favor oh his friend, a certified badboy, an epitiome of all that he was not, of all that he wanted to become; an oddity who only wanted to be normal, thinking it would be easier if he was a bit more like other people, although inside he detested being like other people.

It was a tough time for me. I can look back and laugh now, but I can't help but shudder when I do. Brrrrrrr. There it goes again.

2. Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana (Nevermind)
I plugged in my new Nevermind album, sat back, listened, and I was never the same. My love affair with music began, but back then it was just an outlet form my angst. I heard my sorrows echoed in Kurt Cobain's wailing. There was nothing left to do but wail with him.

3. Grace by Jars of Clay (If I Left The Zoo)
In a miracle of miracles, He found me. I never sought Him. I never wanted Him. I had all I thought I would ever need. But He knew better. He wooed me and, before I knew it, I fell into His arms. It's the most peaceful place I have ever been.

4. Something In The Way by Nirvana (Nevermind)
This would be the song for my darkest nights as I wallow in self pity, insecurity, and bitterness. We all complain of pain but in truth, we really like it, even seek it. Perhaps its because our fallen minds fail to comprehend the opposite -- pure joy and ecstasy, until God surprises us and we find ourselves filled with such happiness that our hearts burst. But pain? We know pain. That, we understand. Fools.

5. I Belong To A Mighty God by Randy Rothwell (Be Magnified)
The Lord is my light and my salvation, who shall I fear?
The Lord is the strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?

- Psalm 27:1

Oh yeah.

6. What If I Stumble by DC Talk (Jesus Freak)
I cannot count the number of times I was stopped dead on my tracks on the road to perdition by the thought of all the people who trust me. For that trust, however undeserved, I am forever thankful. God help me, I will try to remain faithful to that trust.

7. For All The Cows by Foo Fighters (Foo Fighters)
I love beef. And milk. There has to be a cow song in my soundtrack. This is a cool one. I wish I was half as good as Dave Grohl. Sigh.

8. Take My Breath Away by Emma Bunton (A Girl Like Me)
I dream of a girl singing this to me someday. That would be heavenly, I think. But it's hard enough to find a girl who can sing well, let alone one who likes me enough.

9. Until You're Safe And Sound by Sheryl Crow (C'mon C'mon)
If I do love, I hope it would be something similar to what this song describes: a love that will persist, that will not cease until it sees the loved one in her proper place. A forceful kind of love, a love that can truly move mountains for the beloved. This song is a must-hear.

10. Expect The Unexpected by Dog at Dog (Amped)
I am happiest when I am proven wrong. I am glad when people act in ways I did not expect. This does not happen very often though, which is a bad thing, considering that I usually expect the worst from them. So I'm cynic. Bite me.

11. Long As I Live by Emmanwel (Asin At Ilaw)
People know many wulfgars: wulfgar the engineer, the kuya, the friend, the lover (?), the brother, among others. The real wulfgar though is wulfgar the worshipper. All others will die with this world, except the wulfgar that people see onstage singing, or humming softly, or perhaps praying. And in the end of days he will be unmasked, unfettered, as he meets his Father in the clouds. What a joyous reunion that would be.

12. The Eleventh Hour by Jars of Clay (Eleventh Hour)
Whenever the pain is most intensse, I always remind myself that 'This, too, shall pass.' And it will. A day is coming when our Savior finally returns to dry all tears and heal all wounds. That hter is an end to all is a great source of hope for me, because I have seen a hint of what comes after it.


There. If you want me to burn you a CD, just holler.

My sis and I had this talk last night. I shared some of the things that're happening to me. At the end of it, in her innocence (God bless her), she said, "Hindi pa ba enough lahat ng mga naranasan mo so far? Why do you have to go through all that?" I replied, "Well, according God, I haven't had enough."

I am tempted to tell God to stop picking on me, tell Him that He can be quite a sadist at times. These are all lies of course. I think I entertain these lies because, well, I'm afraid.

Aside from forgiveness for my unbelief, I prayed for three things last night:

1. A stronger faith, to destroy all the lies that poison me from within. Looking back at everything, He has never given me any reason to doubt Him. Why should I start doubting now?

2. A firm knowledge of His will for me. I really, really want to obey, but I just don't know what to do sometimes. I want to know, and knowing, He will surely grant me the grace to obey until the end of it.

3. Peace. I would rather that He grant me that peace by making me comprehend the 'why's.' If not, then a peace that comes from utter trust in Him would be just fine.

But, I have to admit, I am such a coward.

I live in a perpetual Word Association game.

I can't help it. It's the way my mind is wired up.

While composing the post about my life's soundtrack, I had trouble remembering the title of Radiohead's first album. I emailed my coworker in Japan, and he replied...

Pablo Honey...

That started a memory frenzy.

The strongest image I got was an ancient poster from NU107 promoting new foreign albums that just entered the Philippine market. Radiohead's Pablo Honey was there, alongside Blind Melon's Blind Melon, Lenny Kravitz's Are You Gonna Go My Way, and Smashing Pumpkins' Siamese Dreams. There's one more album but I can't remember which.

All great artists, but some aren't with us anymore. Blind Melon's singer died of OD, I think. Smashing Pumpkins suffered a similar loss of their bassist, again due to drug problems. Radiohead is still making waves though, at least in Japan. Lenny Kravitz still kicks ass.

I think the early 90's was a golden age of sorts for music. Never had so many great talents reached their peak, side by side, in a single time window. Nirvana, Pearl Jam, STP, Soundgarden, the list goes on...

I will stop now. This could take a while if I continue.

All this, unleashed by 2 words.

Pablo Honey, baby.

Is it just me, o uso talaga ang mga tibo ngayon?

For those unfamiliar with Filipino slang--

Ang tibo po ang pinanggagalingan ng asukal. Ang katas nito ay pinagmumulan ng malagkit na likido na tinatawag na pulot. In English, molasses.

I have set up the gallery section of my web log. It features 2 new albums with never before seen images. Check 'em out.

I regret to inform my dear readers that you can't comment on my entries if you are not a registered Tabulas user (those bastards!).

So you guys have three options if you really, really, want to give comments:

1. Contact me and tell 'em to me personally. My favorite option
2. Use the tagboard. It's better than nothing, I guess.
3. Register with Tabulas. For the love of wulfgar? Please?

Enjoy!

Check it out.

At this rate, I'll use up my image limit before the end of the year!

YEHEHEHEHEHE.

I just enabled the anonymous commenting feature.
No need to register with Tabulas.

Sheez! yun lang pala!

I discovered three things about myself this past weekend:

1. I have a higher tolerance for alcohol than I expected.
2. I prefer vodka over tequila anytime, straight or mixed.
3. I find it absolutely sexy when a girl shares my drinking glass.

Ito muna.

I want to put a lot of things in this blog but I have been having full days recently. Insane, really.

I'll start with my weekend at Fontana, where citech's haYEP was held.

T'was a blast, we all had a great time. My department, the Hardware Development Center, got a lot of awards, raffle prizes, etc., but who cares. Right?

Anyway, the best thing was we we won the Best Group Presentation this year. We are champions once more!

Our award-winning concept involved the following:

An ethnic Snow White
7 Hobbits (of Highly Effective People)
An Ice Angel
Henchmen and Wolfhounds
Darna and Wonder Woman
A 6-voice choir
A ruggedly handsome Narrator

Our costumes were awesome! Don't take my word for it. Check out my gallery.

We had a lot to celebrate that night. And where alcohol flows freely, kooky things happen. I almost regret the fact that I missed most of them because I slept earlier than some.

There, but for the grace of God, go I.

I may look like I know
what I'm doing
but really, most of the time,
I'm just winging it.

Will you wait for me
until I get my groove back
until I make sense of all
this?

Will you hold on,
and be patient with me?

Wait for me, please.

I'm getting there, I think.

... of grueling visits to the dentist, my root canal therapy (RTC) is finally complete.

T'was kinda cool. Didn't hurt as much as I expected, although the dentist gave me a slight burn during the last session.

I have Saturday afternoons free again!

Pahabol bago mag-Pasko:

1. Music CD's
I'm very picky with what I listen to, but it's nice to be forced to listen to other people's music at times.

I noticed that 'Greatest Hits' is the current thing these days. I'd appreciate it if I got one by Sheryl Crow, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Stone Temple Pilots. The Tribute to Metallica album would be nice too. Other CD's that I would like to have but probably would never buy, in no particular order, are:

1. I dunno the title but it's Toby McKeehan's solo rap album
2. S&M by Metallica and this hotshot orchestra.
3. Album na Walang Pamagat by The Youth. Their first album.
4. Any album by Incubus.
5. A good 80's music compilation.

2. Movies
I would love to have a copy of these movies, preferably in DVD, kahit pirata.

a. The Labyrinth, starring Jennifer Connelly and David Bowie as the Goblin King.
b. The Legend, starring someone who looks like Tom Cruise. maybe even Tom himself. It's about this girl and a pair of unicorns some demon's attempt to blot out light from all the earth. Cool movie.
c. Shadowlands, starring Anthony Hopkins. It's about CS Lewis' eventful marriage.

3. Books
I want only one book this Chirstmas. I saw this biography of CS Lewis in Powerbooks this week. It's entitled The Magic Remains or something. My memory's frizzled this morning sorry.

4. A CD Tower
Preferably a tall one and something that would go with the black-silver-wood scheme of my workstation.

Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease.

I've been asking this question for the longest time, but no answer has satisfied me so far.

Some people,like tala, jamby, and bluedgirl, seem to thrive in front of the camera. You take pictures of them, they come out great. It's as if it's the most natural thing for them.

I don't pose very well. When someone points any camera at me, I don't know whether I'll smile (bakit?) or frown (another bakit?). I end up somewhere between a grimace and a grin and, most of the time, it looks ghastly.

A friend gave me as Christmas gift one time a candid picture of me placing my bag at the rack in the tambayan. I thought it was cool. The hunk in the picture was definitely me. I think only candid shots will work for this camera-shy guy.

My problem now is that no one knows how to use my camera! Now how am I supposed to shoot candid pictures of myself?

Buti na lang minsan nakukunan pa ako ng pictures when I'm onstage. Never with my friends though.

Sigh.

Bili na rin kayo ng camera at kunan niyo ko ng pics...

People who know me would attest to the fact that I am pretty stable guy. I am a paragon of stoicism and fatalism. I am steel, I am stone. I like the word a kuya of mine used: centered.

There are those rare times though, when I am off-balanced, when I don't know what's wrong and I don't know what to do. Last night was one of those times.

I went home earlier than usual to try and sleep. My insomnia's been bugging me again. My fault, really. So there I was, tossing and turning, unable to sleep. My body was exhausted but my mind just wouldn't stop spinning.

I paced around the house for a while and cranked up the music. Then I got dressed. I was tired but it wasn't enough apparently.

I didn't want to be alone that night.

I called a friend, asked if he was free. Of course he wasn't, I knew he was busy with important stuff but I was desperate enough to try. No luck. Another friend forgot. The others, well, they wouldn't understand and I knew it was impossible for them to make it.

I was in a mall last night. To be alone in the midst of a crowd is so cliche, but yesterday, the great wulfgar was reduced into such.

I was a cliche last night.

I wanted to cry, but I can't. There's no reason for me to. I envy women in that respect. They could cry about anything. Men have to cry for a reason. I didn't have one last night.

I knew I'd be fine the next day. I would sleep and wake up as the jolly old wulfgar that most people know. These moods never last anyway.

But I can't help but wish that I wasn't alone last night.

Teka lang. Masyado tayong seryoso.

Joke time muna.

1. Anong hayop ang puno ng hangin? lobo.
2. Anong hayop ang mandaraya? cheetah.
3. Anong hayop ang hindi baduy? oso.
4. Anong hayop ang hindi sigurado? baka.
5. Anong hayop ang OK? ox.
6. Anong hayop ang pangit? cow.

I dunno how other people listen to music, but for me it goes like this:

I close my eyes and hear
slowly, my heart begins to beat
in time with the rhythm
I feel the notes flowing
pumping through my veins
possessed am I as the melody
carries me to places that you can
only hear!

I noticed that I dance differently depending on the music I listen to. This morning I listened to two albums. Goldfinger by Goldfinger, an emo-punk-ska band that I truly adore, made me jump around and flail my arms. Things That Make You Go Hmm... a recent rap compilation (NOTE: this album is a must-buy. You wont regret it, promise) made me shake my booty real hard my back is in pain right now.

Thing is, I see the same pattern with other people. They bang their heads or shake the pretty little asses, depending on the tune carrying them.

It's as if we have no choice... I find that a bit disturbing. I mean, it's just music, but it can move you in certain ways and you can't do a darned thing about it.

Merry Christmas!

My inner child is sixteen years old!

Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

A quick one, If I mean to get to Villamor and be back home before the sun rises.

I didn't feel very glad yesterday. It's Christmas and all, but I just didn't feel like celebrating.

I went to jamby's place yesterday, had a sumptuous lunch, and a blast talking with her mom. As jam and I were busy working on 2 halves of a roast chicken, the topic of blessings came up. I told her that I'm not sure if I liked what happened to me the past year.

I went home and tried really hard to remember all the great stuff that has happened this past year. The memories answered my call.

God has been so good to me, but I forgot. I apologized.

I thanked Him for understanding that we humans are only good at remembering the pain and suffering. Memories of blessings are like dust that easily get blown away or swept under the carpet.

I am happy. I just needed to be reminded that I am.

Thank You Lord, for your patience. Thank You for everything. It's been a swell year, really. I wonder what you have in store for me in the coming one, but I look forward to it.

I just realized it recently, but I am afflicted with a bad case of wanderlust.

I just can't stay put. I thought that CSI could keep me from going out this holiday season, but even Gruesome Grissom was powerless, omnipotent as he may seem.

I enjoy being on the road, riding a friends car, or tucked in an FX or sleeping inside an aircon bus. I love immersing myself in the scents of humanity on the move. I love taking on and beating the traffic, whether it's EDSA or C5 or Katipunan. Sabit on a jeep along that stretch of Quirino Highway from Lagro to our village gate, is the best way to get back home.

I feel free, alive, when I am on the move.

The past three days alone I have been to places I have never visited before: Payatas, Villamor, and Cavite, armed with nothing but money, music, and my wits. And of course, (sometimes faulty and/or incomplete) directions.

I live. I am.

I thank God for keeping me safe on the road all my life. I have been on the road daily for several years and yet, nothing bad has happened to me. I had some pretty close calls though: the bus I was riding got stoned, its windows broken, almost sat next to a snatcher, nearly got sideswiped several times, lost several cellphones. Yet I am still in one piece, by the grace of God.

I wonder where the road will take me today.

Parang graba
sa lalamunan
mahirap lunukin
at magaspang sa
pakiramdam
ang katotohanan
na sa aki'y
wala kang maiiwan
pawang latak na lang
mula sa iyo
ang aasahan.

Hindi ko alam kung kailan
makadarama ng ibang
sensasyon
bukod sa hapding iginuguhit
ng marahang paglaslas
sa aking lalamunan
ng iyong mga latak
na unti-unting
nilalagok
habang nakatingin
sa walang katiyakang
kawalan.

4/18/2k1
11:03 PM

I found this last Sunday while browsing my notebook. It's still in the drafts section. I wonder why I never finalized it.

Maybe its not yet over.

Oh dear.

On second thought, I think it is.

I'm just gonna lump everything I want to say in one post.

1. ninJa, if you're reading this, thank you so much for last night. You caught me in a bad time, but I'm glad you did. Forgive me for babbling about dreams and nightmares and mornings and midnights; haven't had much sleep lately (insomniac nga eh). And it may not seem like it but I took your words to heart and they were a great help. I will pray for you too. binoy, you might not get to read this, but I want to put it in writing how grateful I am for your friendship. There are not enough words, but I will try to write something for you here. I just have to gather my thoughts first.

2. It's funny how Scripture is most delicious in times of distress. This is the verse that our pastor preached about this morning:

Therefore my brothers, stand firm.
Let nothing move you.
Always give yourself fully to the work of the Lord.
Because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

1 Corinthians 15:58

Hmm. Yummy.

3. The gallery has been updated: new pictures from my Imus expedition and binoy's stag party.

4. HIGHBEAM is gonna play live at the RX 93.1 Concert Series on December 29, that's this Monday, 6-7 PM PST. Tune in and check it out.

Which reminds me, I gotta get to band practice soon.

You're the smirk,a frown-smile hybrid that's a
little bit cocky and usually associated with
evil or arrogant,but attractive people.You
probably just don't give a damn,but it's
everyone else's fault if you don't because
you're too awesome to have any real faults.


What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

God is good.

Who would have thought that HIGHBEAM would end up playing at RX 93.1, a major FM station, during primetime?

I never thought we'd hear from RX again after the contest. I never thought we'd get to sing those songs on air, before an audience of who-knows-how-many. I never thought that we'd get a full hour to ourselves to get whatever message we bring across.

But we did. Wedidwedidwedidwedidwedidwedidwedid.

Our hands are too small to hold all these. Thank You, Lord.

We did what we could. The rest is up to You.

Thank You for breathing life into us once more. Thank You for reminding us what it means to sing for You. Thank You for reminding us how much we enjoy being together. Thank You for sharing all that joy, and more, with us.

You will take me to the Top
Where the Music never stops
There I'll sing a song for You
Tell me when will all these things come true?