After much searching, I was finally able to get a working (pirated) version of Fruity Loops 4.5! It rocks!

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Today was an especially fine day: sunny and not too warm. In the middle of the monsoon season too. It's rare, but when I'm feeling rather joyful, I try to spread it around. There is too much sorrow and sadness in the world today. I know because I've carried a considerable amount of it for a long time.

So I greeted a few friends with a cheerful 'Good morning!' Most responded nicely, but I may have disturbed some by my apparent perkiness. I understand. At times, I too feel the urge to strangle other people when they're happy while I am not. I mean, the nerve!

Ahh but it was a wonderful morning. Nothing can change that.

Ain't truth a wonderful thing?

I'm on the verge of making a major decision in the coming days. I really wish there was an easier way to do this, but there isn't. As Karen Carpenter puts it: 'Breaking up is hard to do.'

But at times, separation is inevitable, either because those who were together before are now pushing instead of pulling, or when external forces are pulling them apart. You hurtle through space and suddenly realize, you got left behind, you're too far ahead, you're all alone.

For now that should suffice. I wouldn't want to preempt it before I could discuss it with the people concerned.

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I want to write about a lot of things, but I feel that putting them into words would destroy their sanctity. So I let them stay in my memory instead, hoping that they will last long enough for me to savor them until they become tasteless or, God forbid, bitter.

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Peaceful would be a good way to describe my state for these past months. Quiet would also be apt. Extended periods of bliss punctuated by brief but agonizing hours of paranoia, fear, and doubt.

Unimaginable (for me at least), but I can still be an insecure person at times. I thought I was able to squash them all by the sheer weight of my ego, but no. A few still linger on, waiting for the briefest moments when I let my guard down and become vulnerable.

My quiet time has led me to study, and here I see God's wisdom and intimate knowledge of me, Hebrews 11 these past weeks. It's the Faith chapter, if I'm not mistaken. I have read these verses countless times before. I read them and see them as I understood them before, but as I consider those words again and again I realize how much I need those words to keep me steady.

Believing without seeing. Holding on to invisible promises inspite of the visible evidences to the contrary.

Will you really, really catch me?

Of course I know the answer to that. But do I believe it?

I'm quitting High Beam.

There's a truckload of reasons why I'm leaving this band that I loved and invested a huge part of my last 5 years on: musical indifference, wanderlust, realignment of priorities, etc. etc. ad nauseam. In the end, it all boils down to the fact that I've done all that I could have with this group, and it's time to move on.

No, I'm not planning on starting/ joining another band soon. And no, I'm not going to do a Justin Timberlake or Ely Buendia. I will, however, be spending more time exploring and experimenting. Maybe get reaquainted with my guitar, become an awesome percussionist, or both. I will definitely be immersing myself more in church music.

We haven't talked in person yet. This coming week perhaps. Then I would be saying my farewells in person.

I do plan on honoring my earlier commitments though. We said yes to Ma'am Ape when she asked us to be a part of a show she's cooking by yearend. But it's all up to the rest of the guys if they want me to front for them for this show or they want to break in a new vocalist by that time.

I will, however, not be a part of any engagements made after August 19.

So there.

I'm okay. Really.

It's just that, despite the tremendous amount of grace that's been holding me up (courtesy of you), I feel ready to collapse anytime.

These days I feel like I'm made of paper-thin glass.

I keep praying for strength, for courage, for faith. Every prayer is answered. I am stronger, braver, and more trusting than I ever thought possible. This place looks familiar and I know how, shall we say, steadily I am handling everything, considering how I usually handle things.

Yes, I am alright. More alright than I thought I could be. What would I do without You?

Oh, but I am so afraid. I worry. I fret, but I can't do a damn thing. I guess it is possible to be afraid and be brave at the same time.

There is much that is hidden from me. I fear them. There is much that is out of my control. I dread those too.

Yet nothing is hidden from You. That comforts me. Nothing is beyond You. That keeps me sane.

Lately, when we get to talk, all I ever say is "Thank you. Thank you." Those two words are never enough, but apart from them I have nothing else but silence. Even today.

Thank You.