I always hate it when things don't go according to plan.

You patiently scheme and manipulate just so everything will go everything your way. Then it doesnt. I mean everything.

ARGH!

Why oh why oh why?

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As for V, things were a bit rocky for a time, at least from my end. I feel like we(?) are back to Square One (and it's not a bad thing, really). I feel better now though.

I am confused. Whew. Admitting that knocked the breath out of me.

Not understanding her is alright -- that, I can handle. It's not understanding myself that really bugged me. For a time at least.

All is quiet. Sometimes you just have to stop making a big deal out of things.

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There. After a 13 minutes I was able to remember what I was supposed to write.

I just sent Iking the lyrics for all original HighBeam songs. As a read them one by one I couldn't help but mutter, "Not bad, not bad."

Talk about conceit.

But I do like what I wrote during those 4 years with HighBeam. Even if another person wrote them I would still have described them as "subtle," "rich," or "witty" perhaps. "Translucent" is also a good word.

Of course the words I wrote only make up half of each song. Iking's notes brought them to life.

We worked well, him and I. Ah but it was time to move on. No regrets on my part. I guess that's one of the reasons I left HighBeam. We have reached a peak and I didn't want to ever go down from there.

As the late, great, Kurt Cobain wrote in his suicide note: "It's better to burn out than fade away."

Words to live by, in my opinion.

It's final. Jazzer na 'ko.

My new band, KAHIMANIWARI, made it's debut at Full Cup Cafe in Intramuros last Friday. We enjoyed it a LOT. In truth, I haven't enjoyed playing like this for a long time. The crowd also enjoyed the music, judging by their reaction.

I was never applauded that warmly. Ever. Even with High Beam. I don't know if it's a sad thing or not.

So I guess I can safely say that we are on the right track. It was a good start. No, it was an awesome start.

J, our flutist led the group prayer after that performance. It took longer than usual because he was so happy. He was so happy that the only words he kept repeating were, "We have no words, Lord." I think he was speaking for all of us at that time.

We have our work cut out for us. Play better. Play tighter. Learn more stuff. J has to break his classical conditioning. I have to learn to drive because commuting with a pair congas and a 12-in djembe is no joke.

To quote a favorite line: the possibilities are endless.

I just tried using a 3-piece setup this morning: the congas with a djembe. Until yesterday I thought it would be overkill, but no. It sounded goldilocksly: Just Right. I can't wait to try it out next practice.

Just you wait.

Ninna, thank you for being there. We didn't get to talk much that night but I hope we could do so some other time. I told only three people that we had a gig that night. Only you made it. In gratitude let me tell you that what you saw (and heard) there last night was special, for us. I hope you liked our set.

nalani, it's alright if you didn't make it. Although I really want you to hear us play some other time. You saw my anguish while I was ranting about High Beam over lunches and dinners. Now I want you to see what I traded my rockstarlet status for.

I can't wait for next time.


PS.
Today I also wrecked my bongos. Tried tuning it too high. End result: screw lost its tread and is now stuck.

I just found out they have no locally available spare parts in this country. Bummer.

I hate it when I get turned off. For any reason.

Disappointment hits me harder when I'm actually praying that I won't be.

Ah but I am, I am, I am. And there's nothing I can do about it.

Except.

Maybe.

Shrug it off with a smile?

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I haven't shaved for more than two weeks now, which means that I now have a moustache and beard. I don't know if beard is the right term. What do you call it when there's hair above you're lip, the sides of your mouth, and the chin, forming a sort of square?

The word 'beard' triggers thoughts of Santa Claus and Ramon Mitra.

Most of my male friends like the new look and even think it's cool the way the hair growth is confined in just the right place and does not invade the rest of my face.

My mother, on the other hand, hates it.

The monsoon rains are getting to me.

The whole day has been cloudy and bleak. The streets are covered with thick brown mud. I didn't even want to rouse myself in order to take a bath. I did, in the end, but only because I had to.

We're supposed to play tonight but the gig got cancelled because of the rains. Perhaps I'm not the only one weighed down by this weather.

When it rains, most Filipinos stay home. Some foreigners are perplexed by this attitude. But then it doen't rain like this in their country.

I wonder if the rains on other lands also have the amazing ability to slow road traffic down. Why cars and jeeps and buses seem to move slowly when it rains, especially if it's just a little rain, nobody knows.

Local rains also bring the cold virus with them. My mom used to spank me whenever I went home drenched from school even though I had a raincoat with me. She couldn't understand that my raincoat was new and neatly folded and I didn't want to mess it up. I had dozens of raincoats in the past but I don't remember using any one of them. I don't even know where they go or what happens to them. I just find myself, year after year, out of raincoats, with my mom buying me a new one in time for the new school year.

I grew up believing that if your head got soaked by rain, especially if it's just a small amount of rain, you're bound to get the colds. The only way to prevent this would be to drench yourself even more by taking a full bath, preferably indoors.

I believe Filipinos are able to sustain our amazing population explosion by keeping in mind this basic principle: when it rains, hide.

Now I find myself listening to Madonna's Crazy for You, with raindrops falling in stacatto upon the corrugated sheets. I'm waiting for the player to get to La Isla Bonita before I finish this but even winAmp is sluggish.

I'm off to the mall before I fall asleep.