Happy New Year.

Yesterday was the most difficult day of my life.

It was exhausting. I was in a state of turmoil the whole day. I was spending my energy trying to bottle everything up inside. An emotional outburst was out of the question.

I got through it. Oh thank You, Lord.

I remember a similar day, a couple of years ago, back in Japan. I was exhausted from a whole day of meetings, most of which I didn't understand. I was terribly homesick. I wanted to cry. I don't remember if I did.

I also got through it. Oh, thank You, Lord.

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Yesterday could have been a total disaster if not for two God-sent angels who helped me.

One was J, my partner-in-crime at the office. She patiently listened to my rantings over instant messaging. She also said something the rang bells in my head and sort of woke me up from my emotional stupor: "You chose well."

The other was D, my emergency confidante. I was on the verge of breaking down while on a jeep going to UP Campus when I remembered her. "Call her," a voice in me sort of whispered. "She's the only one you can talk to about this." I did call. She listened. She talked. And in talking she reminded me of things I already knew but have forgotten. Or missed because I was emotionally hazy and wasn't thinking clearly. She also said something that brought me out of my melancholy: "Right now, there is turning back for you." Good thing she had a really generous and nice boyfriend who lent me to her for a couple of hours. Thanks man.

I thanked God that night for these two angels, these messengers. God bless them both. I hope someday I'd be able to return the favor.

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Thing is, I am afraid. No, Terribly Terrified. I was quaking with fear yesterday.

I'm afraid of the inevitability of things. I'm afraid because I know who I am, and I know what state I'm in, and I know that, me being me, and me being in this state, inevitably leads to that moment where I could fly or die.

And honestly, the last few times it happened, I died.

Who wouldn't be afraid?

But as D patiently pointed out, I have to look beyond the fear, the terror, and see the God who's waiting for me behind it, waiting to catch me in His strong hand.

Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.

So I started today still terrified. But also a good deal more braver. Let's see what happens in the days to come.

If you were tasked to put together a ~60 min. compilation CD to help someone get over a broken heart, what songs would you put in it?

I just made such a CD for an officemate.  I hitched a ride home in his car last night and found that all he had in his car was a bunch of sappy love song CD's.  It's not very healthy for someone who's really struggling to get over a classic jilting.  And I said so too. 

'You should be listening to rock, or something,' I said. 

'But these are all the CD's I have,' he whined back.

So a lightbulb lit up in my head.  Then flickered and fell dead.  Having just re-read High Fidelity by Nick Hornby, compilations are hot in my list again.  So I volunteered to make him a "Getting Over" CD.  

Music is the best remedy for a broken heart, I found out ages ago.  I was really depressed because A, whom I have been seeing for sometime, wasn't returning my calls or answering my texts.  I figured she meant it when she really wanted to have nothing to do with men ever.  For a while there I thought I could be able to change her mind.  We spoke openly of everything, including her kid.  I was getting ready to take care of them both. We went out several times and it was pretty obvious we enjoyed each others company.  Ah, but the ghost of Christmas Past wasn't done with her, it seems.  I assume she got scared in the end because I cannot, for the life of me, figure out what I did wrong.

So there I was, spending a gloomy Saturday morning alone in my room, drowning myself in grief and music, when something strange happened. 

The PC was playing Carlita by Goldfinger. Right in the middle of the song I felt the grief and sadness slowly bleeding out of me.  By the time Carlita was done I was feeling quite fine.  I looked out of the window and behold, the sun was shining!

So M, get ready to take your medicine tomorrow when we meet.  I suggest you lock yourself alone in a confined space, like your room or your car, turn up the volume, and let the music drain the blues away.  

Here's what I came up with. I'm currently testing the song sequence in my iPod and it rocks me. If you want a copy of the CD too, just lemme know.

1. Counting the Days by Goldfinger (Stomping Ground)
2. Gone Away by The Offspring (Ixnay on the Hombre)
3. Pick a Fight by Goldfinger (Stomping Ground)
4. Best of You by Foo Fighters (In Your Honour)
5. About a Girl by Nirvana (Bleach)
6. Famous Last Words by Jars of Clay (If I Left the Zoo)
7. What You Are by Audioslave (Audioslave)
8. Over You by Sheryl Crow (C'mon C'mon)
9. If Only by Goldfinger (Hang-Ups)
10. 20 Cent Goodbye by Goldfinger (Hang-Ups)
11. The Last Time by Goldfinger (Hang-Ups)
12. Carlita by Goldfinger (Hang-Ups)
13. Been It by The Cardigans (First Band on the Moon)
14. Times Like These by Foo Fighters (One by One)
15. My Favorite Mistake by Sheryl Crow (The Globe Sessions)

 

I would just like to say:

Yesterday was more perfect than I had any right to expect.

<sighs>.

As a colleague I would say that I would totally support you should you decide to take some time off.

As a friend I would tell you that pity and guilt are the wrong reasons for going, that you should go if he means that much to you and if you really want to spend time with him.

But if you ask me what I really think, what I really feel, what my heart cries out for, I would ask, no, beg you not to go, for purely selfish reasons that are best left unsaid for now.

That's just me being me.

Well, that's over and done with, the Laying of the Cards.

I found myself muttering, during a period of mutual silence, "Now, that wasn't so bad." Of course I sort of knew that already, having been assured by Him. It's just amazing, you know, when after days of dreading something, you find yourself in the middle of it and discover that everything is gonna turn out all right after all.

It's the coolest feeling in the world.

What happens after yesterday is still a question mark. I'm not worried though. After last night, I basically surrendered and let go of whatever control I may have wanted to retain. Without this weight on my shoulder, I'm now free to fly into the shelter of His arms.

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J was right. I did choose well.

I never thought that something so unnerving (for me at least) can be done with such poise and grace. I felt neither awkward or morose afterwards. We were even laughing at some points, you and I.  I think it has a lot to do with how flawlessly you took it.

You didn't give me any promises, but it doesn't matter. Your kindness, your charity, is more than enough.

With all my heart, I thank you.

 

The dust settles.  The guns fall silent. The Great Confrontation is over.

So now I find myself asking, 'Now what?'

It shames me to admit it, but I didn't plan on what to do after that night. I have this thing about making long-term plans.  I quit making them a long time ago, since mostly they don't turn out the way I expect them and it just plain frustrated me.  Nowadays I make short-term plans, do my best, and rest in His sovereignty, knowing that He will lead me Home eventually.

Ergo, it seems to me that the fight has just started and I am left unprepared and without a battle plan.  Not that I could create one if I tried.  I really have no idea how to do this.  In the past I mainly winged it. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.

I wonder if this is the time to improvise.  God, I really don't know.

I haven't done this before.
 
But.

I think I'll start with being true to myself.  I am whole enough to do that now.  

And in being true to myself, I think I just have to find appropriate expressions of how precious she is to me.

That's all I have right now.