I had to back off.

When I told her everything, I honestly thought that this would be good for her, good for me. Ah but as things turned out, it wasn't the case. It was just too much for her. I think she was having a hard time handling it alongside work and other stuff that she had to bother about.

I thought I would be good for her, but it seems all I ever gave her was hassle and grief, all the while the only thing I could ever think about was how badly I'm being treated.

Now it's all clear to me. After the emotional clutter has been swept, I looked at us and saw that it couldn't go on, that I couldn't wait for it to get better with time because it won't.

It won't.

I love my work. She loves her work too, probably more than I do. I cannot bear to take that away from her.

Nothing changed about the way I feel about her. The stuff I told her, they still stand, they are still truth. But having given up my dream, having desisted from pursuing her, at least I am on firmer ground. I could go to places I wouldn't have gone if I still carried that burden.

I don't know if I will be believed when I say that I'm not bitter.  I am not, even if things didn't turn out the way I wanted.  My only regret is that I may have caused her unnecessary trouble because of my honesty.  Aside from that, I suffer no guilt.

Now that's over and done with. Moving on!

--------------------------

The Foo Fighters have been eerily relevant to me these past weeks. In remembrance (or celebration) of this latest milestone I will leave this song of theirs here:

Ang hirap pala nito.  Akala ko pag sinabi mo na, ayus na yun.  Ok na ang lahat. Ay hindi pa pala.

Anguish.  That's what I was going through before going to bed last night.  There's a tightness in my chest that won't go away.  I feel bad, but I can't figure out exactly why.  I mean, of course this whole fiasco most probably has something to do with it.  I'm just not sure which part.

Scratch that.  Let me venture a couple of guesses that may be close to the mark.

• I want.  I love.  I long.  But this gaping chasm yawning right between us is staring back at me.  It's there.  I didn't see it when all of this began, but now I do.  Oh, I do, I do, I do.  Perhaps I could cross it.  Bridge it.  But I don't have the strength to do it, not by myself.  She has to meet me somewhere halfway, but she won't do that.  So all that's left for me is to deal with the truth, that the one thing I really long for right now is out of my reach, and there's nothing I could do about it.
• By backing off I may have taken a burden off her back, but in doing so I added another on mine.  And I will be carrying it, alone (for no one near me knows), in the near future.  The prospect is simply daunting.

I found the antidote to this in a passage I read  last night:

"Abba, Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will."

- Mark 14:36

What I'm going through is nowhere near as significant, or noble, as what was hanging over Jesus' head.  He knew it was the right thing to do.  He knew no one else could do it but Him.  He wanted to do it, for He loved His Father and He wanted to obey.

Yet He was in pain. He was going to do the right thing and yet, something in Him recoiled at that prospect.  The anguish was so intense that His blood vessels burst in the stress, tinging His sweat with blood.

His solution? Hold on the these truths:  (1) God is sovereign and powerful,  and that (2) the Father's will is perfect and is always for our best.

There's no going around having to do the hard stuff, no avoiding feelings of fear, helplessness, and sorrow.  But if I rest myself in the firm knowledge of God's power and love for me, then all this will be bearable, and I'm sure I'll be alright.

I feel better already.

What.

A.

Snob.

I had a wonderful day yesterday.

08:30 AM - Visited mom at the hospital.  She was confined due to dengue fever.  She's been feverish since sunday but she only came to the hospital last Thursday.  Her platelet count was already down to 95.  Thing is, she has Type I diabetes so we were really worried that complications may arise.  Her blood sugar level was up to the near 400's.  Anyway, when I got there that morning she was already feeling better.  The lab results just came out and her platelets were up to a healthy 135. Yahoo!  Stayed with her until 2:30 PM, alternating chats with her, sleeping, and finishing my sketches for the furniture design for the new pad.  

02:30 PM - Went back home, dressed up, and got back on the road again to go the office to pick up Medicare papers for my mom.

05:00 PM - Arrived at the office.  My papers were ready for pick-up.  Said a quick high to J and company then drank an Alaxan capsule to fortify myself for the main event later that night.

05:30 PM - Left the office and got on my way to Sofitel for the Philippine International Jazz and Arts Festival!

07:15 PM - Met up with M and C at Tropical Hut, Star City.  Had pale Tapsilog.  No dessert.

08:00 PM - Arrived at the Sofitel lobby, met up with S, who had our Artist ID's, our free ticket to the concert

08:15 PM - Front acts were playing on stage.

09:30 PM - Incognito goes onstage.  P-A-R-T-Y-T-I-M-E! (this one deserves a full post later)

11:30 PM - The crowd finally lets go of Incognito.  But not before I begged Bluey to sign my Positivity CD.  Spelled out my nickname for him.  When he gave the cover back signed it for 'Dojo.' He gave me a new name, bless him!  So call me Dojo!

12:00 AM - Our feet still aren't touching the ground.  Giggling and jumping around like 4th-Grade schoolgirls.  

12:15 AM - Late late dinner at Icebergs Roxas Blvd.  Had dessert (chocolate sundae).  Bluetoothan.

02:10 AM - M and C dropped me off in front of Classmate.  Grabbed a jeep going to SM Fairview and from there transfered to a flying bus headed for home.

03:00 AM - Home at last.  Looked up the sky and saw more stars than I've ever seen before.  Performed my evening ablutions.

03:15 AM - To bed, to bed.  Mom's gonna be discharged from the hospital later at 8AM.

I don't thank you enough whenever you give me days like this.  I always remember the hard ones, the dark and sad and miserable ones, the dreary ones, the ones that are much too long for my taste.  Thing is, you send both kinds, but I never appreciate it whenever you give me the good, the great ones.  So Lord, today of all days, I thank you.

Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou.

Yesterday was the best day of my life so far.  What a wonderful present!  So I will honor it (and you) by enjoying it in gratitude.  Even now that it's over, I will savor my memories of it for as long as I can.

That short stint with A is quite forgettable, except for a singular blessing for which she earned my eternal gratitude: she introduced me to Incognito.

I was in musical limbo that time.  I just left Highbeam and was dabbling in all sorts of music and instruments.  I was teaching myself how to play percussion instruments and reviving my love affair with the guitar.  I started listening to all sorts of jazz.  When she heard that I was on the lookout for good albums, A made me listen to Incognito's Beneath the Surface.

It totally blew my mind.

Since then I have been a rabid fan of theirs.  I used to spend my weekends in Japan prowling through the second-hand CD shops for any Incognito album and got everything I could lay my hands on.  I loved every single one of them.  They're one of those bands (or maybe the only band) that can't seem to do anything wrong.  It feels like I'm bound to love every song they churn out.

It never crossed my mind that I would actually see and hear and feel them perform live.  I am a fan, yes, but I live in a third-world country.  Nobody who's anybody ever comes here (well maybe U2, and nope, Maroon 5 does NOT count as an 'anybody').  So I guess to call the fact that I did get to see them live a 'dream come true' is wrong.  I never even gave myself the luxury of dreaming of it.

Yet, as these things sometimes turn out, my non-dream did come true. Free of charge.

Thank God I decided to stay up late that night, online, when Ishaw (God bless her) IM'ed me and told me that Incognito was going to play Manila on the 14th.  To think that I didn't recognize her ID at first.  Thank God she had access to the Artist ID's which would be our free ticket to that event.  

That night, we came, we saw, we partied.  We partied HARD!

How can I put all this into words?  Have you ever admired any living person or entity, idolized them, tried everything you could to emulate them, set them up as the bar by which you judge all others and found most of them wanting?  Then try to imagine having the opportunity, beyond your wildest imagination, to see him/them, to touch that person/entity, and (in the case of musicians) hear and see him/them make music before you?  

My much vaunted powers of communication aren't enough to express this.  I tried sharing this to a couple of officemates and all I got were looks of mild amusement.  They don't get it, and why should they?  They don't love the band as much as I do.  And they weren't there.

Incognito's set that night was pure magic.  Sometimes in the middle of it, I just closed my eyes and felt the music washing though me, while somewhere in my head a small voice of disbelief kept on muttering, 'This can't be real. I'm hearing them LIVE.'  

Oh oh oh but it's true.  I was there, with them, that night.  I have pictures to prove it (to myself mostly)!

What's even more amazing than seeing and hearing Incognito live is finding out that they're really nice folks.  Bluey is now officially the coolest guy in the world in my list.  Smart, compassionate, and intelligent.  He preached that night, but I didn't hear the usual nonsense you hear from artists-trying-to-be-activists these days.  His message is simple: Peace, beyond Color or Creed. He never said a single mean thing to anyone that night, even to those who probably deserved it (ie. the government, the terrorists, the rich, the poor, whatever).

'Let's start with ourselves, our own circles of influence. If enough of us do it, this thing is going to explode.'

Wow.  He makes it sound so easy, so doable, that by the sheer strength of our love and music, we could actually change the world.  You could almost believe him.

Sadly though, that small, loving crowd at Sofitel that night, that group was composed mostly of upper-crust people.  As for people like me, well, I got to watch only because I had the right connections.  How many of us could shell near 3000 php just to hear a band play?  Some people support themselves and 5 other people for a month with that amount.

Thing is, Incognito is a band that ought to be heard by more people.  It's just that (economic or cultural) circumstances don't allow it.  The great tragedy is that most of them don't care.  Most of my countrymen aren't ready for their music, their message.

Ah but being there that night, it also gives me hope, you know?  A small group of people saw, heard, and partied with Incognito that night.  I guess it's a good a start as any.  We were a small group, but we are a nation.

Beyond colour, beyond creed,
We are One Nation under the groove.

Peace.