March 6th, 2008

Ang hirap pala nito.  Akala ko pag sinabi mo na, ayus na yun.  Ok na ang lahat. Ay hindi pa pala.

Anguish.  That's what I was going through before going to bed last night.  There's a tightness in my chest that won't go away.  I feel bad, but I can't figure out exactly why.  I mean, of course this whole fiasco most probably has something to do with it.  I'm just not sure which part.

Scratch that.  Let me venture a couple of guesses that may be close to the mark.

• I want.  I love.  I long.  But this gaping chasm yawning right between us is staring back at me.  It's there.  I didn't see it when all of this began, but now I do.  Oh, I do, I do, I do.  Perhaps I could cross it.  Bridge it.  But I don't have the strength to do it, not by myself.  She has to meet me somewhere halfway, but she won't do that.  So all that's left for me is to deal with the truth, that the one thing I really long for right now is out of my reach, and there's nothing I could do about it.
• By backing off I may have taken a burden off her back, but in doing so I added another on mine.  And I will be carrying it, alone (for no one near me knows), in the near future.  The prospect is simply daunting.

I found the antidote to this in a passage I read  last night:

"Abba, Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will."

- Mark 14:36

What I'm going through is nowhere near as significant, or noble, as what was hanging over Jesus' head.  He knew it was the right thing to do.  He knew no one else could do it but Him.  He wanted to do it, for He loved His Father and He wanted to obey.

Yet He was in pain. He was going to do the right thing and yet, something in Him recoiled at that prospect.  The anguish was so intense that His blood vessels burst in the stress, tinging His sweat with blood.

His solution? Hold on the these truths:  (1) God is sovereign and powerful,  and that (2) the Father's will is perfect and is always for our best.

There's no going around having to do the hard stuff, no avoiding feelings of fear, helplessness, and sorrow.  But if I rest myself in the firm knowledge of God's power and love for me, then all this will be bearable, and I'm sure I'll be alright.

I feel better already.